PinkBeltRage

spirited away.

26 August 07 ¦ Permalink ¦

This weekend, crazy mom flew out to visit.

I was glad for the company, for once, but oh how quickly things change. . .

(Aww, don’t act like you didn’t know that was coming. Oh please!)

Mom was on a freakin rampage against my Dad.

Mom vs. Dad :: Bloodlust, Part IXXXIIVKDKDIIIXBITCHESXXIXIMM!

but let’s forget all that for now so I can talk about me.

Ha.

I made the funeral service program for my Grandpa this weekend. My mom was a complete and utter non-helpful person when it came to getting this done.

I was pretty stressed out about it.

I wanted it to be nice and then I realized, it didn’t have to be perfect or amazing. I mean, they’re probably expecting a dot matrix print out of sorts, afterall.

(Hey, the Spam eatin crowd is easy to please.)

Anyway, my mom was a nutcase about what to write and put in, so I made it my way. I thought my Grandpa would like it.

Nope, no scriptures or even a mention of Jesus, God, Heaven. . .

But song quotes and pictures.

His favorite songs, the songs I remembered him singing, always. The ones that made him smile and everyone laugh. The ones that made him cry and everyone sigh.

I made a part with pictures of just my Grandma and Grandpa together. Smiling. Happier healthier days.

And I put the lyrics to his favorite song, “Maui Girl”. He would sing this song all the time. And the best part is that my Grandma was from Maui, so it made the song extra sweet. She was his “Maui Girl”.

Anyway, going through these photos and songs and writing from the heart, it was all pretty tough and emotional for me. It was exhausting work and my heart nearly fell apart.

My mom, well she cried at the computer.

And me, I grimaced in an effort not to cry.

I really don’t like crying in front of my mom, or family. I dunno. I can only cry in front of people I really feel comfortable or safe with. . . so yah, I cry alone in my room at night.

Wah.

I feel better though, making that program.

It helped me sort through my feelings and mourn in a different and semi-productive way and remember all those good times with my Grandpa.

I like to think that my Grandma and Grandpa are together somewhere.

Whether it be in heaven, some afterlife, ... or reincarnation … happy little ponies somewhere galloping around in meadows (I have no idea why I said ponies, but you catch my drift!) . . .

I feel like they are together now.

Or maybe that’s just my brain trying to make this easier for me to cope with.

Hmm… and in that case, how awesome is my brain?!

Umm… pretty awsome, because after a margarita or three (yes, tequila has become my new diet coke. It’s a staple!) . . . I’m seeing them here and there, the breeze in my hair, the leaves falling from trees.

(Well, yah, usually a bit tipsy-d out as I’m drifting off to sleep…)

but the best mini thought dream vision of Grandma and Grandpa roaming around together with newfound energy, but the same grey hair… swishing all around, super fast or slow, through time and jumping across the country and over oceans…

My Superhero Grandparents.

They are my new bodyguards, protectors, security . . .

I see them floating on clouds above, Grandpa drinking wine and fishing in heavenly lakes….

Grandma gardening with the best soil heaven has to offer, full-sun plants only…

but every so often, they look down.

They look for me.

And they’re both standing together, peering from the sky down below, maybe using binoculars, or something.

“Did that dumbshit just bump into our Joy and make her spill Macchiato on her new dress? And did he not say ‘Sorry’ to her?” Grandpa asks Grandma, in a ‘don’t tell me he did that’ kinda voice.

Grandma is tense and focused. Quiet for a moment.

She nods very slowly, narrowing her eyes on the perp.

Angry steam clouds swirl about.

Faster and faster.

Transition bifocal eyeglasses!

In a blink, said offender has somehow tripped and fallen and torn his pants much to the amusement of everyone sitting in front of Starbucks.

Yup.

They’re out there and no one can stop them.

Mess with me and well, you have the Elderly Ghost Association to deal with.

So watch out, fuckers.

* * *

  1. Sure.
    It\\\’s all about you.
    Your grandparents won\\\’t be watching their children, you know, your parent. They won\\\’t be watching your very own daughter.
    Just you.
    Not to mention the fact that heaven & god don\\\’t exist in your view. But angels do (It\\\’s all about you).
    Sadly, in recent months this blog has become nothing more than a place to wallow in self-pity and a place to vent your hatred in people who are just a little more Asian than you.
    Note to Joy: In the eyes of white people, there is no difference. A vintage dress and a Smiths t-shirt will never be enough to hide the fact that, you too, are Asian.
    Deal with it.
    — celiab    27 August 07    #
  2. Please tell me you at least have quality tequila!
    — archie4oz    27 August 07    #
  3. Celiab, there are so many things wrong with your post, it’s hard to know where to begin. Everyone has a different way of dealing with death. If you don’t like what Joy has to write or say, guess what—don’t read it! No one forces you to read here. There’s no reason to attack someone so personally like that, especially during such a sensitive time.

    Joy is baring her soul here on really deep and personal issues. Perhaps that’s her particular way of coping and dealing with things. For you to write what you did makes me think: 1 – either you’re joking and have a bad sense of humor? or 2 – you are unbelievably hollow and shallow.
    — axle    27 August 07    #
  4. Gosh what an unpleasant and unnecessary comment?! Great new podcast Joy. When I listened to it this morning it reminded me that I am going to see Rilo Kiley on Friday! Yay!
    — Anna    28 August 07    #
  5. there’s a lot to the process of grieving. good luck. thanks for making a new podcast. can’t wait to give it a listen. find angels where you can.
    — josh h    28 August 07    #
  6. I suppose some people might think it’s sacrilegous, but I for one definitely think there are times (like funerals) where the lyrics of a favorite song are sometimes a greater comfort than scripture… condolences to you and your fam.
    — g    28 August 07    #
  7. That’s a great vision… I think I have a guardian something because every time Gregg makes fun of me he gets hurt, like he stubs his toe or something… It’s pretty awesome. :)
    — Erica AP    28 August 07    #
  8. So Celiab…were YOU the guy with the torn pants in that post? The ones her Grandparents went all EGA on? Or do you have some OTHER jackass problem? Get a life punk
    — nobudy    30 August 07    #
  9. Interestingly enough, many of you go to great lengths to critique my post for critiquing a post (ironic?) The purpose of a blog is to share perspectives and have others respond critically – otherwise, we would simply email. Additionally, as a blog allows for the observation and synthesis of a person’s perspective over a great period of time, readers can then come to conclusions as to a bloggers’ views, strengths, and faults. Why else put yourself out there for millions to see? Why else read?

    I respect the Joy’s talent, style, and taste. But we also are observers, if not voyeurs, of sociology as we draw conclusions from her writings over time. Consequently, as a fellow Asian woman, I am of the belief that the worst kind of racism is the one from within. “Hey, the Spam eatin’ crowd is easy to please.” is one of many “Asian bashing comments” that Joy has consistently used to get across her frustrations at those who are “too Asian.” If these comments (there are over a dozen) were made on a white person’s blog – it would be considered preposterous. What favor, though, is the blogger here doing for her people.

    The one poster who stated that if I didn’t like it, I could stop reading reaches the most valid point of all. I respect and agree with that comment. Joy, I apologize for the timing of my comments, but you are not altogether right. Celia b
    — Celiab    30 August 07    #
  10. Dear Celiab,
    You’re dumb.
    — Pjeff    3 September 07    #
  11. celiab,

    Even if you had a valid point to make, saying it on a post where someone’s grandfather died is rather crass….

    so it doesn’t exactly help your argument any to say that Joy is being selfish…. think about how you are posting…

    that is all
    — Michael    4 September 07    #
  12. Mmmm… I must admit I love a good ol’ “fried luncheon meat, fried egg and steamed rice” breakfast. It actually brings me back to my ghetto asian roots, having spent the last 6 years of my life with a white dude. :)
    — lexinthecity    5 September 07    #
  13. Joy,

    I missed all your posts again. I guess I’ll have to make like the good old days and just visit your site once a week instead of relying on my stupid RSS which makes me forget I haven’t heard anything from Pinkbeltrage in a while.

    Your brain is awesome!

    I’ve been thinking lots about imagination lately and how amazing it is. The brain can pretty much pull anything apart and hybridise it or resituate or augment it or whatever to imagine something new… to anticipate, postulate, etc

    I always thought it was funny how you could imagine having a conversation with someone, exactly how they’d respond, and how you can play it off in different ways, like “if I said this they’d probably say that but if I said this instead they’d say something else”.

    Mmmm, that probably doesn’t sound all that amazing but it kind of is.

    Recall and memories and writing and stuff.

    hope you and M are getting by okay, minus the spam

    ali b
    — ali b    11 September 07    #
  14. Hi Joy!

    Love,

    Matthew
    — Matthew    14 September 07    #
  15. Hello Miss Joy,

    Wishing all the best and Happiness to you dear…

    Angel
    — Angel    14 September 07    #

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