PinkBeltRage
I don't know why :: I guess that I just do
23 August 07 ¦ Permalink ¦
Silence becomes more silent, I think, after you have a child.
I guess because it’s kinda rare to experience a quiet moment. It’s always just nonstop talking and sound for me that when M is asleep at night, silence becomes something you can feel and are aware of.
It’s heavy.
It’s almost loud, it’s so quiet.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep with everything that’s been going on.
Sadness had seeped into every thought and I just tossed on the couch and sighed…
FYI, I was only on the couch because there had been a giant man eating type of spider on my bedroom ceiling, and if that wasn’t bad enough, it was located directly above my head.
I kept thinking how if it fell on me, it would hurt me.
And after a few seconds of getting the massive heebie jeebies and visualizing the hysterical fit and screaming frenzy that would ensue should that occur, I grabbed a blanket, pillow and hit the couch.
I am pretty sure that if it did happen and the giant man killing spider did fall atop me, my freak out would be so incredibly amazing that I would finally be able to levitate.
You know, like in cartoons when Tom & Jerry and that one bull dog would all fight and it would just be this floating dust cloud of fists and exclamation points?
Anyway, it was so quiet and still last night.
Silence reached out and grabbed me.
I drifted in and out of sleep between 1-2am before I was up for several hours.
Man, sometimes I just hate being human. A life as a robot wouldn’t be as bad as I’ve always imagined.
There is just too much sadness in my heart, I don’t even know where to begin.
So, I’m just sad in the most complete sense and state.
I ended up thinking about dying and if I died right now, would I feel okay with my life.
No. Not really.
There are so many things I want to see and do and have in my life and I realized I’m not making an attempt to achieve those things because well, I live my life thinking I have all the time in the world.
You know what I mean?
F*** that!
Even this morning, I was reminded of how short life is and how suddenly it can be taken.
This woman in her minivan came within inches of swiping my car. She wasn’t even paying attention and I actually honked my horn several times and tried to move as much as I could over, but there was a car on my other side too. Ugh.
She immediately swerved back into her own lane and I was relieved and seriously pissed off.
I don’t know if anyone believes in guardian angels.
I certainly don’t.
However, I do like to think there are good forces and energy in the universe that if you are a good decent person, they surround you and maybe protect you. . . well, you know from things like crazy ladies in minivans of death.
And to further the stereotype, the reckless minivan driver was an Asian Lady.
Damn her!
I don’t know if anyone else can do this, but as I’ve mentioned before, I can always tell Asians who weren’t born here, ...like maybe they probably moved here recently because they’re doing some post doc in a research lab nearby.
Anyway, I could tell this was one lady with a heavy accent who’s home smelled of various foods.
And Is it just me or do Asians, especially with short hair look like mushrooms? You know kinda straight outta Mario Brothers world?
Boy, I glared at the mushroom faced lady like you wouldn’t believe and golly, I digress like nobody’s business!
I came home and cried, and pretty soon it turned into an angry “life’s not fair!” crying.
F*** death and dying.
Someone recently reminded me of the tough mofo that I am, in just as few words. Timing was perfect. And it meant a lot and it made me smile.
Feeling slightly inspired by that message, I have plans to send real hand-written letters today to my family and friends. And I’m doing this just for myself, and I don’t know if that makes it selfish, but life is short. I’m writing everyone to let them know I think of them and love them.
It’s not much, but I need to do it.
I can email and all, but I want there to be something for them from me, that they can hold and touch. This is one step, a teenie tiny one at that, in making my life feel more real, like I want it to be.
It’s making tiny connections with people I care about.
Sigh.
My chest hurts.
On the left side, where my heart is.
Like a cramping knot.
It could be all the sadness and regret, with anger and disappointment and loneliness too.
Then again, it could very well be the carnitas I ate for dinner, and again at breakfast.
Yup, one thing I know for certain, life’s too short to not eat carnitas.
* * *
— archie4oz 23 August 07 #
And it was on the ceiling! And would crunch and leave a big ol stain, for sure. Sheesh!
— joy 23 August 07 #
— Erica AP 24 August 07 #
— lexinthecity 5 September 07 #