PinkBeltRage

saying goodbye in dreams.

9 February 07 ¦ Permalink ¦


Happy pictures M made for my Grandma.

My mom called me this morning while I was braiding M’s hair, getting her ready for school in the usual running late rush.

I answered the phone.

I knew what she was going to say.

Her “Hi Joy…” gave it all away.

I hung up the phone and kicked into autopilot.

Finishing the morning routine. I gave M some money to buy a yo-yo at school. I put her homework in her folder, zipped her jacket up and she gave me a huge hug as we went down the elevator to the garage.

We were waiting at the final stoplight to her school when I realized a few tears were falling down my face.

I tried with everything in me to keep it all together until I dropped M off at school. . . .

Wednesday night I had a vivid dream.

And the thing is, I haven’t dreamt about my Grandma, but I did that night.

In my dream, I walked to see her, and it was super sunny in their house. She came out from her bedroom into the hallway and was in a thin nightgown and the sun was so bright that I could see the silhouette of her body through the white cotton fabric.

And she was my Grandma, but she could hardly move and hobbled towards me, shuffling one foot forward at a time.

And I ran to her and just threw my arms around her and she hugged me super tight and we didn’t say anything. We just cried and I told her “I love you, Grandma” and the dream ended.

It was so clear and real. I woke up feeling a bit amazed and in awe.

Of course, I’m always thinking about my Grandma, non-stop, always in my mind. I have bad fitful sleep and confusing dreams, but never have I dreamt of her lately.

I was happy I had this dream and it’s stuck with me ever since. I felt happier… it was as if, a layer of sadness and stress had been lifted.

It’s just strange, that I had this dream because it felt like she had come to comfort me and we were able to say goodbye.

Sure, this is probably some protective mechanism triggered and created within my brain, but right now, I’m going to believe that it was my Grandmother’s spirit who came to me in my sleep.

She passed away early this morning.

I thought of my last visit.

How I drove her around in her little Ford Escort. The seatbelt was broken, but she fixed it… you know, with a giant safety pin.

We went to Starbuck’s every morning, because I had to have my coffee.

And she got into it too, ordering her decaf or hot tea. . .

I’m trying to remember those moments right now.

I feel horrible and guilty for not going out there, but I’m trying to push those feelings out of my mind. My mom is a total wreck. She’s very emotional and already saying bad things about my dad’s family. My dad just sounds flat and sad. He was flying out this Saturday to see her, but still plans on going for the week.

I have been trying to think of what to tell M; if I should and how and when to discuss this.

I didn’t say anything this morning after I hung up the phone with my mom. I’ve never really talked to M about death before, just once, and it was all related to that movie, Brother Bear.

I told her how Koda’s mom went to the sun, but he was never alone. She was always watching him from there. . .

Last week, M drew these pictures of flying hearts (one wearing glasses) and happy clouds floating around the happy sun, for my Grandma.

Maybe I’ll just tell her something like that… that it’s like her picture. . .

And Great-Grandma is now part of the happy clouds and flying hearts in the sky.

That’s kind of what I’d like to believe myself.

I just want to thank everyone here who has commented and emailed me their words of encouragement and understanding.

It amazes me that people I’ve never met before are so kind and have provided me with such comforting words.

Here’s a picture I had posted on Flickr of her old lady sandals.

* * *

  1. Sorry ‘bout your grandma.
    — TrapperJohn    10 February 07    #
  2. Joy, my sincere condolences. Your Grandma will always be there in your heart and in your soul.
    — Mooch    10 February 07    #
  3. I’m very sorry for your loss. She sounded like a really sweet person.
    — Erica Putis    10 February 07    #
  4. hugs
    — maggie    10 February 07    #
  5. I’m sorry to hear what happened. As long as you can hang onto those memories, she’ll always be around.
    — christine    10 February 07    #
  6. thanks for the hug earlier. have a hug back-
    — Michael    10 February 07    #
  7. I’m so sorry for your loss, J. I think you have a perfect way to explain to M about passing on. She sounded like an amazing woman.
    — Maisy    10 February 07    #
  8. firstly, hugs :)

    I’ve heard so many stories about dreams like that when loved ones pass away in absence that I have to believe it is something spiritual.

    And I think there’s a degree of truth to the idea that when someone passes away they become something like the sun, or the clouds, not gone exactly, just become something else, their presence diffused into the greater unexplained workings of things.

    I wish you and your family all the best.
    — ali b    11 February 07    #
  9. Joy, my sincerest condolences. When times are tough, think of all the good memories that you and your grandma shared together. Those great memories are something you’ll have forever.
    — ScottieB    11 February 07    #
  10. it’s probably nerdy of me but i like to watch this psychic lady on The Montel Williams Show and she explains that they come to us in dreams after they’ve passed on to just say goodbye.

    I had the same thing when my grandmother passed away.

    Please take care of M and yourself, Joy. My thoughts and prayers, as well as everyone else’s, are with you and your family.

    hugs.
    — mdb    12 February 07    #
  11. Sad news Joy, sounds like you had a lovely relationship with her. Lots of good times to remember.
    — tom    14 February 07    #
  12. Joy, I’m sorry to read about your loss. My deepest condolences to you and M.
    Peace and Love, Ed.
    — Ed    14 February 07    #
  13. If we understood ourselves and our history on earth a little better, we’d probably realize that death really isn’t all that bad. And it’s what keeps life so interesting. My grandmother passed away last year, but I wasn’t sad. I was happy that she had lived her life the way she wanted to. And people really dug her.
    — Jason Ahn    14 February 07    #
  14. Beautifully written Joy. My thoughts are with you. The biggest, well, “joy”, I found in death, if there is such a way of describing it, is noticing the talents, mannerisms, and other things that our departed loved ones leave within ourselves and our children. Watch—I know you’ll see it!

    Much love and comfort to you and sweet M.
    — Melina    22 February 07    #
  15. SO this is totally late, but im finally now getting back on reading all my favorite blogs…
    I’m sorry. I’m not sure what else to say but that. And I finally do know how you feel. I’ve had friends who’ve experienced death and ive never been able to say “I know how you feel.” but last week my friend died. He was at batting practice and a ball, flew out of no where, went threw this narrow narrow hole in one of the batting areas and hit him in the back of his head. he passed into a coma, and eventually brain activity stopped….he passed away, what will be about a week tomorow has gone by. and im still reeling from it. Because I dont understand.

    I dont know if you believe in God, but from what I’ve been feeling, I’d have to say that I still believe He is Good, and has a plan, despite all this maddness.

    I’m praying for you, Joy. and im sorry i havent kept up with your blog.

    with love,
    — Kevin    2 March 07    #

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