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2 February 07 ¦ Permalink ¦

I’ve realized that there is so much I don’t know about my Grandma.

I don’t know what her favorite song is. . .

Who her first boyfriend was. . .

. . . Was she ever afraid of monsters under the bed?!

(That’s a question M would ask.)

All of these questions came flooding into my mind tonight.

And I don’t know the answers.

I’ve written about my Grandma in Hawaii who has cancer.

Well, she is in hospice care now.

A nurse is at my grandparents’ condo 24/7.

My mom was just out there before the nurse was hired. She took care of my Grandma. Slept in her bedroom with her, watching while she slept.

My Grandma can’t walk anymore. Has no control over her bladder. Can’t keep food down. Goes in and out of consciousness. And is in pain. The doctor said her whole body is just completely invaded and nothing can be done.

They’ve started the morphine. And tonight the caregiver called my parents to tell them that she’s “shutting down”.

My mom took a bunch of pictures of the family for my Grandma. Me, M, my nieces… etc. And a big one of M which my Grandma would fall asleep holding.

Ugh.

I know she’s dying.

I’ve told myself this a million times.

I hate the thought of her going through this slow, miserable death where the cancer just wins and takes her.

Tomorrow a priest from my Aunt’s church is going over to pray.

My mom is pressuring my dad to go.

It’s his mother.

He isn’t jumping on the next plane. He told my mom that he doesn’t know if he wants to see his mother like that. And doesn’t know if he should just preserve the memory he has of her from his last visit, when she was able to walk and he cooked for her and they talked.

“He’s just thinking of himself!” is what my mom said to me tonight.

I told her it’s hard for him.

It’s his mom.

I dunno.

I guess I don’t know how I feel about going to see her.

It’s not going to be her, not my Grandma.

I don’t know.

She’s completely knocked out on pain meds.

She’s not going to be power-walking. She’s not going to be complaining about my Grandpa. She’s not going to be laughing at my jokes and swatting me on the shoulder.

I was thinking of when I said goodbye to her last year. How she burst inro tears and collapsed in my arms. And I just hugged her and hugged her while she cried.

Well, it’s 12:32 am. I feel super lonely. All of my friends are asleep. I have no one to talk to, and the reality that there’s so much I don’t know about my Grandma just hit me. The reality that I can’t ask her these questions and she can’t answer me.

It’s 4:30 now and I guess I should sleep a bit.

* * *

I’m truly sorry to hear about your Grandmother’s suffering Joy.

It’s amazing to me how many people we hold dear in our lives, Parents, Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles & Cousins etc, are little more than strangers to us. It’s a rarity when people take the time out to really converse with their loved ones. It’s something I think we all take for granted, I know I can speak from experience. I’ve always reminded myself, especially as one gets older, that I’ve got to make more of a connection to my loved ones. The hectic every day of life always has a way of knocking you off track, though. It’s tough to find that balance, and even tougher to make that connection sometimes.

I can understand how your Father feels. It’s nightmarish to have to see a loved one suffering. You want to do everything in your power to help stop that pain, and if you can’t, you feel so helpless. But even so, in those moments I firmly believe that the mere presence of the love and desire to help, that loving energy, can be felt by the person in need of it.

I hope beyond hope that the presence and love of your family will bring comfort to your Grandmother during this time.

My thoughts are with you and your family. Stay strong Joy.

~~Mooch~~
— Mooch 2 February 07 #
oh, joy. i’m so sorry to hear this. my grandmother went through the same thing a year and a half ago.. it was my father’s mother, and he was with her for a month in the hospital before she died, so by the time she was gone, he had made his peace. i hope that the morphine will help ease her pain and she will pass on peacefully.
— maggie 2 February 07 #
It was very hard for my mother to see my father before he passed away because he was so weak and had no control. But she said she got closure looking at him at the wake because he looked strong and peaceful again. I, on the other hand, wanted to remember him the way he had always been so I chose not to see him at the wake and I’m happy I did. I really hope your grandmother isn’t in pain and I’m very sorry for you and your family.
— Erica 2 February 07 #
Thanks you guys for your comments. Reading this made me feel better. I clicked on here and totally forgot I posted this and well, didn’t intend to post my rambling. It was just me writing to myself. I didn’t know what else to do. It’s quiet and still here at night. I even turned on the tv for some company. After M is in bed and her constant energy is asleep, that’s when I start thinking about everything.

I don’t feel too good today. I couldn’t sleep. It took me 15 minutes to put my contacts in this morning because my eyes were all swollen from crying about my grandma, and just everything.

I can’t go and see her. I would have to take M with me and I’m against her seeing my grandma like that. I don’t want that to be in M’s memory. :(

Like when my grandfather was ill and died when I was a child, I went with my mother to the hospital.

I wrote about that before.

It makes me sad that almost all of my memories of him are of him in a hospital bed with oxygen tubes and IVs. I was around my mom’s family while everyone fought. I saw my grandmother scream and cry. And I saw his body at the wake. Death scared me as a child. So, I just worry about M.

Mooch, what you said is right. It’s this feeling of helplessness I am experiencing. I don’t know what to do and receive constant reports on how bad she’s doing and it just keeps filling me and weighing down my heart.

I wonder how long she can survive like this. It horrifies me thinking that she could go on like this and be barely alive for months.

I’m sorry about your grandmother, Maggs. My dad told me today that he is going to see my grandma in two weeks. However, he said he’s made his peace and is unsure about seeing her like this now. I just said, yeah. I know he doesn’t know what to do either. And honestly, he’s not good with feelings/emotions like this.

Erica, thanks for sharing what you went through with your father. I really think there’s no right or wrong thing to do in these situations. And that everyone deals with loss in different ways.

I wish I could give all of you a hug right now. Okay, I’m sending you all hugs mentally. Send one back because I need it.

Thanks again you guys for sharing.
— Joy 2 February 07 #
Sweetie, you know I’m sending you the biggest hug I’ve got. :)

Just last week, my bestfriendduringhighschool’s mom passed away, due to cancer. Seeing as my best friend and I looked alike, we always joked that her mom was my 2nd mom, and I always greeted her that way when I hung out at their house.

I know what you mean about it being weird to see someone that isn’t quite the person you fondly remember. My friend’s mom was always the gracious hostess and life of the party. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I felt “selfish” about not wanting to visit her more after she started going through chemo, her physical condition worsening, inside and out. I just couldn’t fathom that she might actually die. And with my own personal situation, there was just too much overwhelming emotions. And now she’s gone, but thankfully, her family understands why I wasn’t able to visit more. I know it’s not about me, but hearing that from them really helped.

Be strong in these trying times.

And if you can’t be, that’s okay, too.

hugs
— lexinthecity 2 February 07 #
I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog, but this entry made me cry. I was young when my grandfather died, and my last memory was of him having a heart attack. He yelled at me when the ambulance came because I did not let them in the right door. I felt guilty for years that somehow I was responsible for his death. I agree completely that a dying loved one should be surrounded by family, whose presence can give them strength and love, but I don’t think that includes children under a certain age. They don’t understand what is happening, and because that is the case, their presence doesn’t particularly add to the experience of the dying person. I think older generations always want to connect to younger ones, and that occurs under normal circumstances like holidays. But when a person is under extreme duress, having young people there does not comfort them. That is just my personal opinion from someone who has been there.

Joy, I wish you the best. Your writing really moves me sometimes.
— Michael 2 February 07 #
best wishes for this difficult time. enjoyed your latest couple of podcasts. hope something lifts your spirits soon like your creative efforts often do for us.
— josh h 3 February 07 #
Lexy, I’m so sorry about your friend’s mom. I’m sending you a really huge hug too. Thank you so much for sharing what you were feeling. Your encouragement really means a lot. I guess I needed someone to tell me it’s okay if I’m not strong, you know?

Michael, thank you for sharing too. god that’s a traumatic experience for anyone, especially a young child to go through. I can’t imagine how you must’ve felt as a kid. Hug.

josh, thanks for your kind wishes and I’m glad you liked the podcasts. Speaking of lifted spirits, I’ve found a “new” (to me, but I think they’ve been around) band that’s been doing just that. I did a podcast with two of their songs in it, just haven’t had a chance to put it together yet.
— Joy 5 February 07 #

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